A guide for those wishing to help someone who has experienced a loss.

How can we effectively support those who grieve?

The caring presence of another human being is known to be one of the most important supports a grieving person can have. It may not be possible for you to meet all of the support needs of a grieving person.

Here are some practical suggestions on how to be supportive.

· Allow and encourage survivors to talk about their loss.

Talking about the loss in detail, and as often as is needed is an important part of healing. If a survivor is not ready to talk about a loss, you can still establish yourself as someone who is willing to listen whenever that person is ready.

· Help the grieving person identify and accept the many feelings that make up the grief process.

Many grieving persons may be uncomfortable with some of their feelings, such as rage, or relief. They may question whether these feelings are normal. It is essential that they get solid information about the grief process.

· Give the grieving person permission to grieve in their own way.

Each person grieves in their own way and they need to be encouraged to respect their own limits, timetables. Grieving people often need permission to not be okay. Grief hurts, and hurts for a long time.

· Be available over time.

Grieving persons need support through the first year and at the first anniversary of the death. The greatest need for support often comes at a point when offers of support have stopped.

· Reinforce that grief affects health and encourage self-care activities.

Loss of concentration, fatigue and changes in appetite are just a few physical symptoms of grief. Exercise, healthy eating and adequate rest is important. Alcohol and drugs should be avoided; they only delay the grieving process. Encourage the survivor to make his or her own needs a priority.

The first few days and weeks after the death:

· Visiting the survivor:

The visit is and will be obvious to the survivor that you care and are available to help. You do not have to have all the answers for the survivor. One of the greatest gifts that you can give is to simply listen as they reminisce about the past. Here are a few DO’S and DON’TS:

DO’S

1. Do listen.

2. Do ask questions.

3. Do give the survivor positive feedback.

DON’TS

1. Don’t tell the survivor that “time heals all wounds.”

2. Don’t say, “ I know how you feel.”

3. Don’t promise to stop by and visit unless you plan to follow through.

· Food:

1. Label all dishes

2. When you leave off your dish, say you will return on a particular day to pick up the dish.

3. Help by keeping a written record of what food was bought by whom.

4. A small notebook and pen by the front door would keep the list current. Leave room to check off each name when a thank-you has been written.

5. When you are making a dessert or meal for yourself, double the recipe and call the survivor to let them know you made enough for two meals. Give them options of you dropping it off today or tomorrow.

· Household Needs:

1. Stop by the survivor’s house and take laundry home with you.

2. Offer to clean or straighten up the house.

3. Offer to cut the grass.

4. Offer to shovel the sidewalk, and make sure the driveway is clear.

· Flowers:

1. Decide not to send flowers for the funeral, instead send them a week or two after the funeral.

2. Hand write a personal note on the flower card, perhaps sharing a memory of their loved one.

· Instead of flowers:

1. Bring acknowledgement cards and stamps to the house.

2. Give a book on bereavement. (Recommend booklist included)

· Acknowledgement Cards:

1. Help the survivor organize accordingly: who sent food, flowers, donations etc.

2. Reassure the survivor that they only need to fill out and mail a few cards each day.

3. Make sure they have enough cards and stamps.

· Families With Young Children:

1. Offer to take the children with your family if you are going to the movies etc.

2. Let the survivor know you are available to help with the children or to just listen.

· Sundays:

1. Sundays are hard days, invite the survivor to go to church with you.

2. Invite the survivor over for lunch or dinner.

3. Offer to pick them up and bring them home.

· Dinner Invitations:

1. Continue inviting the survivor to dinner weeks, months after the death.

2. Don’t give up, you may have to invite them several times before they agree.

3. Offer to pick them up and bring them back home.

· Holidays and Anniversaries:

1. Offer to help the survivor shop and prepare for the holidays. Go early, when the stores open so it isn’t busy.

2. Help wrap presents, address cards.

3. Offer to have the survivor spend the holiday with your family (if you know they will be alone).

4. Be aware of when the first anniversary of the death is, and call or send a card acknowledging the day.

· Cemetery Visits:

1. Ask if the survivor if they would like company on the visit to the cemetery.

2. Share how you feel, while at the cemetery.

Timetables for Grief

One of the most frequently asked questions is: “How long will these feeling last?” The following guidelines are general descriptions and may vary widely from one individual to another.

· The First Month:

The survivor will be very busy with funeral arrangements, visitors and paperwork that they will have little time to begin the grieving process. They may also be numb and the reality of the death seems unreal.

· Third Month:

The third month is often difficult for the survivor. Visitors have gone home, cards and phone calls have stopped. The survivor is just beginning the very painful job of understanding what this loss really means.

· Fourth through Twelfth Month:

The survivor continues to work through the task of learning to live with the loss. Difficult times will crop up sometimes with no obvious reason. It is important that the survivor understands that these difficult periods are normal.

· Holidays and Anniversaries:

Personal and public holidays will be a challenge for the survivor. The survivor may not be consciously keeping track of these dates, but is still affected by them.

After Loss Credo

I need to talk about my loss.

I may often need to tell you what happened~

or to ask you why it happened.

Each time I discuss my loss, I am helping myself

face the reality of the death of my loved one.

I need to know that you care about me.

I need to feel your touch, or hugs.

I need you just to be with me.

(And I need to be with you.)

I need to know you believe in me and in my

ability to get through my grief in my own way.

(And in my own time.)

Please don’t judge me now~

or think that I’m behaving strangely.

Remember I’m grieving.

I may even be in shock.

I may feel afraid. I may feel deep rage.

I’m experiencing a pain unlike any I’ve ever felt before.

Don’t worry if you think I’m getting better

and suddendly seem to slip backward.

Grief makes me behave this way at times.

And please don’t tell me you “know how I feel,”

or that its time for me to get on with my life.

(I am probably already saying this to myself.)

What I need now is time to grieve and recover.

Most of all, thank you for being my friend.

Thank you for your patience.

Thank you for caring.

Thank you for your helping, for understanding.

Thank you for paying for me.

And remember, in the days or years ahead,

after the loss ~ when you need me

as I have needed you ~ I will understand.

And then I will come and be with you.

By Barbara LesStang

References

Helping People Through Grief

Delores Kuenning (1987)

How To Design a Grief Support Group

Kim Logan, MA

Bereavement Magazine

Barbara LesStrang

Holiday Help: Hope and Healing for Those Who Grieve

ACCORD, Inc.

Prepared by: Bonnie Anthony, Continuing Care Coordinator, Anthony Funeral Chapel, Inc.