A guide for those who have experienced the loss of their loved one.

What is Grief?

Grief is a natural and normal reaction to loss.  It is the thoughts and feelings that are experienced within oneself upon the death of someone loved.

What is Mourning?

Mourning is taking the internal experience of grief and expressing it outside of oneself.  Another way of defining mourning is “sharing one’s grief outside of oneself.”

Everyone Experiences Grief Differently:

How you grieve may depend on the circumstances of the loss. These include:

·        Was the death a sudden or violent death?

·        Was the death due to a suicide?

·        Was it the death of a spouse, child, or parent?

Personal factors can also affect your grief.  These include:

·        Personality, may lead to different ways of coping.

·        Age, this can affect your sense of self and understanding of death.

·        Gender, men and women choose different ways to acknowledge and express their grief.

Five Common Myths About Grief:

·        Myth #1: Grief and Mourning are the same experience.

As stated above, grief is the internal reaction to loss, and mourning is the external reaction to loss.  Our society does not encourage people to express their grief outwardly, they are often greeted with messages, such as; “keep your chin up,” and “keep busy.” So, they end up grieving within themselves, instead of mourning outside of themselves in the company of loving companions.

·        Myth #2: There is a stage-like progression to mourning.

Just as different people die in different ways, people mourn in different ways. A variety of unique thoughts and feelings will be experienced as part of the healing process.

·        Myth #3: It is best to move away from grief instead of toward it.

Trying to ignore your pain or keep if from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run.  Facing your grief and dealing with it is necessary for healing.

·        Myth #4: Tears expressing grief are only a sign of weakness.

Crying is nature’s way of releasing internal tension in the body and allows the mourner to communicate a need to be comforted.  The capacity of the mourner to share tears is an indication of the willingness to do the “work of mourning.”

·        Myth #5: Following the death of a loved one, the goal is to “get over” your grief.

We never “get over” our grief but instead become reconciled to it.  Those people who think the goal is to “resolve” grief become destructive to the healing process.

Common Reactions to Loss:

·        Shock and Disbelief:

This is natures natural anesthetic, it is nature’s way of protecting you from the impact for awhile.  This is a typical first reaction after learning of the loss.  Examples: having trouble believing your loved one is gone; feel numb; confusion.

·        Anger or resentment:

This is common, even if there is no one to blame for the death.  Examples: feeling angry with doctors, God, or others; resent your loved one for dying and leaving you alone; feeling that a great injustice has been done.

·        Fear:

A loved one’s death can cause you to feel helpless, worried or panicky. We must remember; not all events can be controlled.  We can only control our own actions and behaviors. Examples: fear of new responsibilities; being afraid to face life without your loved one; fear of your own death.

·        Guilt:

It’s normal to regret things you “did” or “didn’t,” say, do or feel.  The need to blame ourselves is not unusual, but most of the time is undeserved. Examples: not being there to say goodbye; being relieved that the person died; having argued with your loved one before they died.

·        Deep Sadness:

Sadness is somewhat gentler than depression.  It is usually triggered by a specific event and is a temporary feeling. Examples: feeling lonely; deep yearning; feels like there is a hole in the center of your life.

·        Depression:

Deep Sadness and feeling depressed for awhile are normal after a loss.  Lasting depression for two months or more is a cause for concern.  If you feel you have depression see your doctor.  Depression is a medical condition that needs treatment. Examples:  no interest in eating; trouble sleeping; withdrawing from friends and family; being preoccupied with guilt; feeling helpless or worthless; trouble remembering and hallucinations.

·        Physical Problems:

It is very important to take good care of yourself, grief can cause a variety of physical symptoms. Examples:  nausea; extreme tiredness; low resistance to colds; weight loss or gain.

·        Personal Growth:

Acceptance is the result of a healthy grief process.  It is the ability to remember your loved one without pain.  Working through your grief may have given you new strengths and insights. Examples:  having new confidence in yourself; be interested in new relationships; have more empathy for others.

Allowing Yourself To Grieve:

Grieve in a way that feels natural to you.  There’s no right or wrong way to feel or think about your loss.  It’s all right to take a longer or short time than others to work through your pain.  Don’t be pressured by others’ ideas of who you “should” or “have to” be.  Here are a few suggestions that may help you regain control over your life.

 ·        Express Your Feelings or Thoughts:

1.     Talking about your loss is the most important thing you can do to help you work through your grief.  Look for friends and family members who accept your feelings and thoughts.

2.     Crying is another very important way to express your feelings.  Crying helps to relieve stress caused by grief and allows the mourner to communicate a need to be comforted.

 ·        Keeping A Journal:

A journal focuses on the writer’s interior life such as; how you feel, what you think about, or the memories of a loved one.

1.     Journaling can be an important step toward maintaining a good mental health during bereavement, especially at night when struggles with grief seem to intensify.

2.     It can help diminish any guilt and be a more comfortable way to unload sorrow you are not able to share with anyone else.

3.     One of the most compelling reasons of all to write is that it preserves memories.  Writing can be a labor of love.

 ·        Reading:

Reading about the grief process can reassure you that what you are experiencing is a normal process.  Reading will offer you encouragement and will give you a sense of what your grief experience will be like.

 ·        Rituals:

Symbolic acts done in your loved one’s memory are a way to honor them.  Rituals can also help you develop a healthy acceptance of your loss. Familiar rituals offer the assurance that everything is as it should be.  Losing someone important disrupts the familiar, so we must rebuild or create new rituals to help comfort you through the grief process.

1.     Have a special remembrance candle that you light on special days, or any time you want to remember your loved one.

2.     Plant a tree in honor of your loved one.

3.     A visit to the cemetery can becomes a ritual.

4.     Kiss the photo of your loved one each time you pass by it.

 ·        Keep Memories Alive:

1.     Share stories about your loved one, especially to the children in the family.

2.     Continue a project that your loved one started.

3.     Put together a special scrapbook.  

4.     Buy or make a special box to keep mementos in.

5.     Keep some items that belonged to your loved one.

 ·        Support Groups:

There are times when grief becomes to heavy to bear by ourselves.  Often we are reluctant to talk to our families or friends because we feel like we are placing a burden on them.  When you attend a peer support group, you are surrounded by people who are in similar situations and know the pain of loss.  To find a support group, check with local hospices, funeral homes, clergy or friends.

 ·        Faith:

You may find comfort in religious ceremonies, prayer, meditation or activities at your place of worship.  Seek guidance from a clergy member if your loss is making you question your faith.

 ·        Helping Others:

You may want to give back to the organizations that helped you and your loved one.

1.     Volunteer at a hospital or hospice program.

2.     Work with children.

3.     Volunteer at your church or a nursing home.

 ·        Taking Care of Yourself:

Grief is exhausting work and it can put a lot of stress on your body.  You will need to take extra care of yourself in order to stay healthy.

1.     Eat healthy foods.

2.     Take walks, perhaps with a friend.

3.     Try to go to bed and get up at the same time each day.

4.     Avoid alcohol, caffeine and tobacco, they can cause sleeplessness.

5.     Take a bath, listen to music, or read before bed.

6.     Have a quiet time each day.

7.     Reduce work hours.

8.     Lighten your schedule.

 ·        Practical Matters:

There may be legal matters that you may have to deal with.  Try to share these responsibilities with friends or family members.

1.     Legal Matters:

·        Locate the will and trusts.

·        Notify your lawyer of your loved one’s death.

·        Contact the probate clerk’s office.

 2.     Financial Matters:

·        Close or change the names on your loved one’s bank account.

·        Contact Social Security Administration.  Ask about possible death and survivor’s benefits.

·        Contact the Internal Revenue Service or tax accountant.

·        Check with your loved one’s employer for any owed pension benefits.

 3.     Insurance Matters:

·        Contact insurance companies.  This includes life, health, mortgage and auto insurance.

It is very important to take good care of your mind and body as you continue your journey toward healing.  Grief is a normal part of a human being’s transition through life. Please let us know if we can help you as you work through your grief.