A guide for adults helping a greiving child.

Understanding the Grieving Child was prepared to help adults understand a child’s reactions to loss, related to his or her developmental age.  The information in this booklet is a summary of what children experience as the result of a loved ones death.  For more detailed information, see the Recommended Reading list at the end of this booklet. 

Most children will face the difficult task of understanding loss.  This loss may be the result of the death of a family member, friend or a pet, and it may challenge the coping skills of children.  Our role as caregivers is to help children learn appropriate reactions by being open and available and by our own example.  We have the opportunity to help children work through their grief, by providing a safe and loving environment for them.

What Is Grief? Mourning?

What is Grief?

Grief is a natural and normal reaction to loss.  It is the thoughts and feelings that are experienced within one’s self upon the death of someone loved.

What is Mourning?

Mourning is taking the internal experience of grief and expressing it outside of oneself.  Another way of defining mourning is “sharing one’s grief outside of one’s self.”

The Four Tasks of Mourning for Children:

·         Understanding that a loved one has died.

·         Experiencing the pain of the grief.

·         Remembering their loved one.

·         Reinvesting in emotional energy in their life.

Children Experience Grief Differently:

How children grieve may depend on the circumstances of the loss. These include:

·        Was the death a sudden or violent death?

·        Was the death due to a suicide?

·        Was it the death of a sibling, parent, grandparent, friend or pet?

Personal factors can also affect children’s grief.  These include:

·        Personality- may lead to different ways of coping.

·        Age- this can affect their sense of self and understanding of death.

·        How their role models react to death.

Helping Children Understand Death

When explaining death to children we need to be very literal.  Do not compare death to sleeping, this may confuse children, and may make them afraid to go to sleep.  The most basic way of explaining death to children is to say, “The body stop working, the heart no longer beats, the person is no longer breathing, they can not see, talk, hear or move.”

Answer their questions simply, without numerous details.  Children will ask appropriate questions when they need to know more.  They may repeat their questions, because the answers do not resolve they’re searching.  Searching for their answers is part of their grief work.

Children grieve longer because they grieve in spurts. With each new developmental level or significant event in their life, they will regrieve.  It is important not to rush children’s grief.  Support their regrieving with the same care you gave their initial grief reaction.

Children’s Common Reactions to Loss:

Children, like adults do not grieve in stages.  They can experience the following reactions in any order, and repeatedly.

·        Shock and Disbelief:

This is natures natural anesthetic, it is nature’s way of protecting children from the impact for a while.  This is a typical first reaction after learning of the loss.  Examples: having trouble believing a loved one is gone; feeling numb; confusion.

·        Anger or resentment:

Anger may be the result of unresolved issues between a child and loved one. Anger may be present as the child protests the fact that the death occurred and the lack of dependability of life.  Examples: feeling angry with doctors, God, or others; resenting a loved one for dying and leaving them alone; feeling that a great injustice has been done.

·        Fear:

Fear is the most basic feeling of loss that a child can have.  It is the fear of: Who will die next?  Who will take care of me? or What will happen to me now?  Children of all ages must face their fears, and work through them.  Provide children with attention and nurturing during this time and this will help them feel that life can be dependable again.

Acknowledge their fears and validate this feeling as a difficult feeling to have.  Examples:  being afraid to face life without their loved one; fear of their own death.

·        Guilt:

Children may regret things they “did” or “didn’t,” say, do or feel.  The need to blame themselves is not unusual, but most of the time is undeserved.  Being over protective of children can also produce a child’s guilt. Parents want to protect their children from painful events, and at times may not tell children what is taking place.  Children will feel the sadness, tension, and anger associated with a death, and become frightened that something terrible is happening, but no one is talking to them about it.  As children mature they realize that they are not solely responsible for life’s events.   Examples: not being there to say goodbye; being relieved that the person died; having argued with their loved one before they died.

·        Deep Sadness:

Sadness is somewhat gentler than depression.  It is usually triggered by a specific event and is a temporary feeling.

Sadness is an expression of a child’s feelings of vulnerability.  They may grieve a loss of security.  Examples: feeling lonely; deep yearning; feels like there is a hole in the center of their life.

·        Acceptance:

Acceptance is the result of a healthy grief process.  Children will not “get over” an important death, but they will learn to live with the loss.  They will eventually accept the death and go on with their lives.

·        Physical Problems:

Grief is a physical experience for all ages.  Older children are more capable of expressing themselves verbally.  Younger children often express themselves through their movements and play.  Grief can stress the immune system; so it is important to make sure children eat well and get plenty of rest.

How Children Grieve: Developmental Stages

As children mature their concept of death will change.  All children will grieve differently according to their personality.  Children have developmental stages where grief reactions may be common.  Knowing what the appropriate responses are for each developmental stage can help you provide support for your children.

Infancy to 2 Years

Children at this age do not have a concept of death. They often take on the reactions of their parents. Keeping a normal routine is very important for this age group.  A normal routine provides children with a secure feeling.

Common Reactions

·        May cry more

·        Fear of separation

·        May regress

·        May wake more often

Ways to Help

·        Keep their routine normal

·        Provide physical and emotional reassurance

3 Years to 5 Years

Children of this age group associate death with sleep, and often do not realize death is a final process. They think death is temporary and reversible.  Their concerns are concrete and literal; they do not think abstractly.  They need to be reassured that they will always be cared for.  It is not uncommon for them to regress, returning to a safer time.

Common Reactions

·        Bed wetting

·         May not react when told someone has died

·         May regress, such as baby talk, or wanting a bottle

·        Asks repeated questions about the person who died

·        Fears separation from parent

·        Grieves in spurts

Ways to Help

·        Use appropriate language, such as died or dead

·        Avoid using cliches

·        Provide physical and emotional reassurance

·        Answer their questions in a short and simple manner

·        Let them know it is okay to feel sad

·        Involve them in the planning of the funeral

6 Years to 9 Years

At this age children have a better understanding of death, and realize it is final. They are not sure how to express the feelings they are having, but will want to know what will change for them after a loss.  They begin to realize others can die, but believe they are immune.  Many children of this age may feel death is contagious and may worry about who will die next.

Common Reactions

·       May seem anxious

·       They may become quieter

·       Acting out

·       Grades may suffer

·       School can become a safe place

·       Grieves in spurts

Ways to Help

·        Find out what they already understand about death

·       Be patient and compassionate

·       Do not use cliches, use words such as died or dead

·       Talk about the feelings associated with grief

·       Provide physical and emotional reassurance

·       Encourage them to use art work to express their feelings

·        Involve them in the planning of the funeral

·        Make sure that they understand that they had nothing to do with the death

10 Years to 12 Years

Pre-teens have an adult understanding of death.  They know that death is permanent, final and universal. They may not ask many questions about the death, and may even have a callous attitude about the death.  Death may make them uncomfortable so they may joke about it, especially with their friends.  Friends are very important to this age group. They will not want to grieve in front of their friends, because they will not want to seem different from their friends.  Pre-teens may be interested in the biological aspects of death.

Common Reactions

·       Anger is normal

·       Grades may suffer

·       May show separation anxiety

·       Acting out may occur

·       They may distance themselves emotionally

·       Grieves in spurts

Ways to Help

·        Encourage them to express their feelings

·        Be compassionate, offer your love and support

·        Listen and provide answers to their questions

·      &