Signs of Hope and Comfort

Jim Mulcahy, Grief Worker

A radiant young bride comes out of the church on her wedding day, five months after her father’s death.  As she comes down the steps, a brilliant ray of sunshine appears suddenly in the otherwise gray sky.  She “knows” that it’s her father letting her know he’s there and happy for her.

A woman dreams intensely of a conversation with her husband who tells her that he is fine and that she shouldn’t worry.  She wakes feeling comforted.

A man who had cared for his wife during her illness walks into the living room and, for a moment, out of the corner of his eye, sees his wife sitting in her usual chair by the window.  He is sure that she is staying around to make sure he is all right.

In all three of these situations, we find people who are trying to adjust to the loss of someone they loved deeply.  In each case those involved are trying to fulfill one of the tasks of mourning – to accept the reality of the loss, while at the same time learning that those who have died are still very much a part of their lives.  It is important to each of them to find connections with their loved one and to continue to experience them vividly.

Over and over again we hear tales from our grieving friends of “signs” that their beloved is still around and still active in their lives.

People who don’t understand loss find these tales unsettling.  They suggest that there is something wrong or that those in grief are “clinging to the past” or “have overactive imaginations.”  People who have had serious losses never say such things, because they know that the adjustment of grief is a difficult one and that such signs are hopeful and comforting.

Throughout history among all peoples and all cultures, there have been reports of dreams or sightings or the sound of voices of those who have died.  Throughout history, loss and grief have created the necessity in grievers of moving forward without forgetting or leaving their beloved dead behind.   This seems to be a normal part of how humans adjust.  After all, when someone dies, our lives together are not suddenly erased.  We have a wealth of memory of times shared, of growing together, of love and support.  We have to find a way to keep those experiences alive in us.  Added to that, many religions and belief systems teach that the soul continues after death, so there is a basis in faith of the continuation of the person we have lost.

Common human experience, faith traditions, cultural practices all give us good basis for experiencing the presence of those who have died in various ways .  To want such experiences, to have such experiences does not make us unbalanced or odd or unhealthy. 

The period after the death of one we loved takes us to many unfamiliar places and many experiences we have not had before.  Some of those experiences such as ‘seeing’ or ‘hearing’ one who has died is not cause for alarm but rather can be comforting and reassuring and hopeful. 

We often say that there is no guidebook and no roadmap through grief.  Just when we get to an age when we think we can begin to understand things better, we find that we have more to learn and new places to go. When we approach this with courage, we find that we become more and better and stronger.

 

For help in this process or just to talk, please feel free to call Bonnie Anthony at 244-0770.  Bonnie is a good listener and may be able to come out to your home to talk with you.