Is it always going to be like this?

Jim Mulcahy, Grief Worker

A question that I hear frequently from newly bereaved people (we define “newly bereaved” as up to six months after the death)  is, “Is it always going to be like this?”

My answer is, “Yes, it’s always going to be like this.”

My answer also is, “No, it’s not always going to be like this.”

How can it be both yes and no?

The fact of the physical absence of the person who has died is not going to change.

The heaviness and depression and confusion experienced in grief are going to change as a person learns to live a life that is vastly different because of the death.

That’s the simple answer.  Each of us, in grief, fills in the details.

There is a process of grieving that teaches a person how to exist from day to day.  We learn to do things that we never did before, to find a separation between ourselves and the person who has died, to find a new and changed direction in life as we learn to live without the person who has died.

Granted, these are all monumental tasks.  But, even as we put one foot in front of the other to get through the early days, we still manage to find signs of hope and affirmation that we, the survivors, have a lot still to do and to learn and to enjoy.

Adult children practice the lessons of wisdom learned from their parents and take their places as the ‘wise’ ones in the family. Just as they used to go to their parents, now their children come to them.

Spouses learn once again to say, “I” instead of “we.”  They also learn to do things they never thought possible.  They make new circles of friends if they feel uncomfortable with their old circle. It is sometimes uncomfortable to be with friends who all seem to be in couples. The grieving person can feel like a fifth wheel.  They learn to cook or shop or manage finances or start lawn equipment or do small plumbing jobs. In other words they find they must do the things that the spouse always used to do.  they never had to give those things any thought at all.  As they learn to do these things, they find joy and satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment.  One of our widows just fixed the plumbing under the kitchen sink.

Siblings who have lost a brother or sister feel their own mortality and examine life to find those things that are most important that may have been neglected.

Each kind of loss brings with it the opportunity to learn, to appreciate,to stretch and grow.

We would rather not.  We would rather that things go back to how they were before the death. 

But, in the process of grieving and healing, we find that we need to begin facing forward towards life rather than backwards towards the death.  In that discovery, in that changing direction, we find the strength to go on.  We find the preciousness of life itself.  We learn that we take the best of our beloved dead with us and that going forward doesn’t mean forgetting and doesn’t mean the death of our love.

Even in grief there is hope, not that this bad dream will be erased but that we will survive and even prosper.

For help in this process or just to talk, please feel free to call Bonnie Anthony at 244-0770.  Bonnie is a good listener and may be able to come out to your home to talk with you.